TTC. Three small letters that, for women who have tried to or are trying to conceive, can bring forth emotions ranging from hope to fear, curiosity to exhaustion, and joy to sadness.
As a topic that has touched so many lives, I wanted to share our story and offer hope to someone who is in the place I was in just six years ago. On a warm Spring day in 2012, we were floating high in the world of hope, joy and great anticipation. After a beautiful year of marriage and travel we decided we were ready to have a baby. We assumed, like so many of our friends who came before us. it would be an easy journey and the stick would turn pink by summer.
As fate would have it, we were wrong and month after month, it showed negative result after negative result. By Spring of 2013, our plucky hopeful disposition turned towards the face of fear and uncertainty, and it was then we decided to start getting tested.
The journal of Human Reproduction recently did a study that showed that 310 of their 346 test group of women who were trying to conceive naturally during their fertile period got pregnant within the first year. So I knew that I wasn't off base by putting a call into my doctor when the calendar turned from 2012 to 2013 and still, no baby.
After hormonal tests showed a few irregular levels, but no major concerns, we kept to the original plan and we conceived a baby in 2014. Once again, high on hope and anticipation, we lost it shortly after. The rollercoaster of emotion was becoming a ride we knew well. With a loss behind us and our hope waning, I empathized with other women who carried the shared burden of perpetual family planning. A time when our homes, hearts, and arms are ready to parent when our bodies just aren't getting the message.
I remember the season of staying in often because I didn't want to field another "just relax and it'll happen." Or "have you tried this herb, drug, yoga pose...?" It was exhaustive to respond again and again to what was just blame on me and what I was doing wrong to halt bringing a child forth in the world.
I'm here to tell you, and listen to this carefully, sometimes you can do EVERYTHING right. And it still just DOESN'T happen. It doesn't mean it won't. It doesn't mean you needn't look after yourself or into options. But I couldn't take one more person suggesting that if I took a vacation I'd conceive a baby.
It turns out, after another full calendar year of trying after our loss, doctors would conclude that I suffered from "unexplained infertility." Not exactly a warm fuzzy, nicely tied with a bow diagnosis. Especially since I HAD conceived, as short of a pregnancy as it was, it brought forth even more uncertainty, fear, and sadness. And it was then I almost lost the faith.
Thankfully, my husband carried enough hope and faith for us both to continue with tests and we decided to keep trying on our own schedule. We did a Whole 30 strict eating plan to detox and reset our systems, I went on natural hormones, and in Fall 2015, one little test delivered the happiest news of our entire lives.
It was when God wanted it to happen. There is no one answer, other than my belief he is our miracle baby, as to why it happened that Thanksgiving and not at any other time. But after being Grey's mom now for two years, I not only gave thanks for our big "yes!" in that fateful season, but I give thanks every day since that it was him. The unique, perfect, funny, sweet little son of mine he is.
And he was worth the wait.
If you're in the waiting know I am sending prayers, love and hugs to you. I see you, as the mom you long to be. And the mom you already are in your mind and heart. Keep the faith. Keep trying. Keep dreaming and planning. I pray your miracle is coming, in the exact time they are meant to arrive.