So we are about 5 weeks out if all goes according to plan. However, when have things gone according to plan lately? 

To be honest, I am definitely getting anxious. Look I've been anxious most of this pregnancy because of my 3 years of IVF and multiple losses prior to this positive test, so the feeling is nothing new BUT it is a different type of anxious. It's the anxiety of a new human coming into our lives, of trying to figure out how we will manage our 9-year-old twins, and also their changing schedule because of homeschooling and COVID. 

So yeah, a lot to unpack!

I never imagined not being able to have my twins meet their sister at the hospital. I always imagined them walking in and seeing their sibling there, being the first ones to meet her! But sadly, like most things during the pandemic, that's changed. 

I've somewhat accepted that they won't be at the hospital, but this also means I have to plan for what and where they will be when I give birth. I can't just bring them along and have someone meet me there to watch them in the waiting room. I can't have someone meet me there and take them home if they need to. I actually have to plan. 

But how do you plan something like this when nothing about giving birth is ever precise? I have a kind of plan in my head, but the fact that they're only in school twice a week makes it hard to plan for much.

Then there is planning for life post-hospital. 

We are assuming everything will be fine with the birth and the baby. Assuming that, we plan on being home as soon as we are allowed to be back. This means that not only will we have to plan life around the baby, but also around homeschooling and COVID. I won't have people visiting me or helping me with the twins much--I'm anxious about their needs honestly more than the baby's! 

What if they have questions and I can't help, what if I can't take them to one of their after school activities, what if they get woken up and lose sleep because the baby is crying at night? So many unknowns and 'what if's' and all of them are terrifying. See it's always been just them. From day one--while having twins was hard and they've always had to share their time--it's always been them, it's always just been about what they needed. So adding another one to the mix who will clearly have needs is scary. 

How will the girls adjust? How will I give them what they need?

So many questions that truthfully I cannot answer right now. 

I guess that's the first thing I have to come to terms with. I don't have all the answers right now and I guess I just won't in general because how can you plan for something that is new and unknown? 

The best I can do is remind myself that kids are resilient. That it's ok if they miss a dance class some days and that it's ok if they learn to share my time. I have to accept the fact that I won't have all the answers and truthfully I never have. I have to remind myself that we are adding a miracle to our family and that most of all, we are all so beyond grateful and excited to have her come!