Motherhood Made Me Realise I Suffered from Anxiety
I didn’t really notice I suffered from anxiety, until I became a mother.
I didn’t notice that I was hanging on by a thread.
Was it motherhood?
How can something that brings me so much love, cause me so much pain?
I feel guilty even thinking that.
I’ve developed what I thought were coping mechanisms yet here I am, realizing that I was blinded.
I was bottling it all up.
It was eating me up inside, but I never thought it was anything worth discussing nor focusing on. I thought having these heavy feelings was normal.
I tell myself that my kids are my priority right now and I'll deal with myself later, because that feels easier than dealing with these heavy emotions.
I never thought it was acceptable to share something that left me feeling so vulnerable.
What stopped me? Was it shame? Fear? Worry?
I was worried about speaking up and facing it all.
Worried about opening wounds that I knew were too painful and carrying a load that was just too heavy.
Worried about having to face the reality of it- that it’s a problem, even though I fought it so hard and buried it so deep.
Worried about showing that vulnerability; that part of my humanity.
Worried about being stripped from this mask I’ve been hiding behind.
Worried to show that I’m not perfect, and perfectionism was my shield; it kept me safe.
I felt that I was being asked to rid myself of my idea of safety.
This is why I was struggling, and this is also why I needed to see that it was time to heal.
I had to believe that I was the priority here.
I had to believe that there is no shame in getting help.
I had to believe that I matter, and I am worthy.
I had to put myself first, for my littles.