Pregnancy After Loss
I will be 20 weeks pregnant this coming Saturday, June 20th, and I am petrified.
I haven't stopped being scared since the second day we were officially pregnant. Why? Because of the miscarriage we endured last year. Because of the pain and the physical and emotional toll it took on me, on my family, and on my daily life.
Every day is hard. Some days are harder than others. In the beginning, I asked my fertility doctor for extra ultrasounds, I asked to come in even when he didn't think it was necessary. Every scan made me smile and feel at ease but then two days later the anxiety would creep back in.
On top of having miscarriage PTS, we have been dealing with this wonderful (in a sarcastic tone) pandemic. To be honest, the pandemic itself hasn't really worried me too much, I mean I'm very careful but I'm not worried about the baby getting corona from my belly. I am worried that these hospital restrictions won't ease up and my husband will never be able to come to a scan this entire pregnancy.
I walk into every ultrasound appointment thinking the worst. Why? because it took three years of IVF and a miscarriage to get to where we are today.
I guess I'm used to bad news. So I prepare myself, even though I don't think you can prepare for bad news, yet sadly its the first thing that runs through my mind. Thankfully every single scan, blood test, and appointment has gone well. I know our chances of miscarrying now are low, but I'm still nervous AF every single time. And to top it off, Nick, my husband, is not allowed at any appointment. I always think "who would catch me if there was bad news? Who would be there for me at that moment?" It truly scares the living daylights out of me.
So here we are, gearing up for that anatomy scan in a week and still no word if he can come with me yet.
Is this real life? I mean, believe me, I know there are WAY bigger issues and things to worry about in the world right now, and I am SO beyond thankful to be where we are today, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset about the no-visitor policy at this point. I mean, they are opening up Disney World for goodness sake and yet my husband who lives with me cannot come to be by my side and see his daughter? (oh yeah, we are having another girl).
So this is me today: scared, nervous, anxious, worried, and emotional. Pregnancy after loss is hard. It's not how I remember it being when I was pregnant with the twins. I was so carefree nine years ago! And truthfully I would give anything to feel that way again, to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and trust my body in its entirety.
So for now I will continue to get private scans at the boutique ultrasound places when I can. I will remind myself to trust and to believe that this is our time. I will continue to learn to enjoy this growing baby bump.