The Colors of the Rainbows

The Colors of the Rainbows

The colors of the rainbows

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple.

Ahhh the beautiful colors of the rainbow.

I remember after my first miscarriage 7 years ago, I heard the term, "rainbow" for the first time.  Huh??  Ohhhhh I get it...a rainbow, the beautiful colors you see after a storm....aka...a beautiful baby after the loss of a baby.  I couldn't even relate to that because honestly,  during those dark stormy days, I couldn't really see anything through the cloudy tears pouring out of my swollen red eyes.

But...ok...weeks, months later...I had hope.  I hoped for "my rainbow".  I saw colors everywhere!  Ohh...maybe this is it.  

Another miscarriage.   

Ohhh now this has to be it...nope... 

And another 

Seriously???  Damn it.  

Years passed by...I gave up on ever seeing the colors of the rainbow.  Life was so dark.  But yet...I could see everyone else had "their rainbow".  They saw those beautiful smiles, those rosy cheeks, those coos and giggles.  It was their rainbow of beautiful colors.

In my world, it was so dark, I couldn't even focus on the beautiful little girl who could light up my world.  My daughter.  My daughter who was 9 at the time could light up the room with her smile.  Today, at 15, she can still light up the room with her magical personality, her sparkling blue eyes and can move mountains with her strength and humor.   So many years were focused on seeing my rainbow I didn't even notice the so many other beautiful colors that were already there...with me..in my life.

2 years ago...you guessed it...another baby.  This time, I knew he would be MY rainbow.  He was it.  I knew it.  I saw rainbows everywhere.  At 21 weeks, my body gave birth to him and he became my angel.  

I had a serious talk with you know who.  How could this be???  How can he be put in my arms just to be ripped away from me??  Its my turn for my rainbow!  

Kinda sounds childish right...its not fair....why can't I have my rainbow??  

Again, I went into this deep dark place.  I couldn't see good in anything, my eyes saw grey, black, white, fear, anxiety and depression.   

Then it happened.  I saw the rainbows again, and questioned if those were my "signs". I would see them at the most meaningful times of my life.  The day before I married his father.  The holidays, the days I was crying and felt so weak, I would see them.  Gives me the chills every damn time.  This. Was it my sign to try again??  Do I go through all this again??  I can't.   It hit me, after we decided we weren't going to try this again.  It all just made sense.

It was like something in me that said wait...all this time I tried and tried for a rainbow...that I realized that what we all think is a "rainbow baby" isn't necessarily a baby.  My rainbow has different colors than your rainbow.

A rainbow is light, so a rainbow can be a new light.  It can be your new outlook on life, a new passion,  a new birthing of yourself.  It's something that you have done in honor of your baby.  Its gaining your power back.  Its loving your new self.  Its living because your baby existed.   It's allowing your light to shine through all the broken pieces.  It's truly honoring yourself through the darkest of all days.  It's giving yourself permission to see the colors. All of the colors.

These are the colors of my rainbow.   I have my rainbow and you can too. 


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